The single act that breaks tension

It was a few weeks ago.

I crawled into bed after another long day and Zach blankly said, “We’ve been bickering a lot lately.”

I knew it was true but as we sat in silence, neither of us could offer up a solution.

We wondered at the root cause knowing that surely these trivial (or rather, ridiculous) disagreements must be the fruit of a root that goes much deeper.

We continued a few days more in this miserable pattern - the smallest thing leading to yet another small squabble between us.

Until one morning we read these words together - “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

When looking back at a conversation that took a wrong turn, it is easy for us then to see where it was all derailed — when we made the fatal choice to dig in and win at all costs.

Winning in this sense never leaves you with a triumph of victory.

Our moments of bickering suddenly weren’t lasting as long. As we discovered that true winning was uniting whatever the cost —that a listening ear, a gentle word holds enough power to dispel the tensions brewing and take the conversation another way.

As soon as someone broke down their wall of defense the bickering was no longer fueled —no longer necessary.

After all, it is impossible to continue the fight when the other no longer cares very much to win.

Zach led the way in this and I spoke to him recently in looking back at this time and told him —this was one of his single greatest acts of leadership. This was how he demonstrated a way forward to me.

So often we think our courage and our cleverly worded argument should be applauded.

But it is humility that leads to honor. It is through laying down our pride that we receive the greatest reward.

The emotions in marriage are sure to come and go as the waves on the sand, but I think it quite possible for us to invite them to come in greater amounts and a more rapid speed.

By choosing to bend low.

By laying down our sharp words that only wound.

By letting go our pride.

By speaking words of life.

I’m daily reminded how each of these actions hold the power to stir the heart, they breathe life into the marriage - they reignite the spark.

So here’s to going the way less traveled —by being the wiser woman who builds more often than the woman who’s thoughtlessly tearing it all down.