when we have no control.

We planned to have kiddos close together.

We didn’t plan to wait.

We didn’t plan for early miscarriages.

We planned to be pregnant a few months ago.

We all make lots of plans.

But what do we do when the plans don’t go the way we want?

We’re perhaps used to it, even expect it, in other areas of life. But when it comes to having babies, we live in a world that convinces you that this is within your control.

Advancements have been made - it’s your choice!

But I was reminded afresh that I have no control over my very own body, and perhaps that is why it feels so vulnerable - because it is my own body that doesn’t respond how I think it should. I try to manipulate it, I try to convince it, but ultimately - I am my makers, not my own.

Just over a month ago we had a second line on the test - the kind of line that only shows when you give it a good, long stare.

I dive into research - driven by longing.

“Yes,” I reaffirm - “Any line, no matter how faint, is a positive.”

But there was no confidence. I knew better than to believe that I was going to have another baby.

And a day later suspicions were confirmed - there would be no baby.

It is hard to grieve when you didn’t even accept.

But the longing pushed me forward into deeper research on how to get my body to do what I wanted.

I was stirred - “To whom am I looking for help?”

I knew that I had not yet surrendered this. I still will walk through surrender a thousand times more in this area of life - no doubt.

Babies are gifts, not a given.

Babies are a treasure, a blessing. And to even have a small taste of the enormous struggle some go through brings a heavy burden when thinking of the many who take it all for granted, those who so flippantly mistreat or even destroy them.

I am blessed to feel the unsettled feelings of nausea.

I am blessed because though I don’t deserve it and I couldn’t bring it about myself, God gave me a baby this time.

I pray for those who still wait and I am reminded myself for the coming days - He does what is best, may my hands be ever open, never clutching to what is out of my realm.